I’m not dead, just so everyone knows. I’m still going to Prom and I’m going to eventually, hopefully soon, come back to school. I really miss school and seeing everyone. I saw Mrs. Lauben when I stopped in the other day for the first time since vacation. You have to love Lauben, you really do. I’m really worried cause I’m falling so far behind, especially since I need to get my GPA back above 88%. But I’ll make it. I’m determined.
I’d tell you what’s wrong with me but, I’m in the dark as much as you. I’ve been on three antibiotics, steroids, I’ve had two blood tests, a CAT scan and a Biopsy on Tuesday. They still have no idea what’s wrong. To be honest, I’m really scared. I mean, it was one thing back during vacation, but I’m on my thrid week of tests and doctors and the pain and everything is just getting worse. It started with this bump on the side of my face, like in front of my ear, I’ve showed a few people. And my mom thought it went along with my eye, cause I has this HUGE eye problem over break. But it was there before and now after. It started the size of a marble and that was over a month ago. It’s been growing, but as of the other day, it started surrounding my ear, and today it’s bigger than a baseball and covers from almost the top of my ear all the way underneath it. I’ve been in pain but this weeks been the hardest, I havn’t done much but lay down, and when I do get up I’m extremely dizzy and neasuas. I go back to the doctor tomorrow, they’re supposed to have the results from the second blood test and the biopsy, and they should have an idea. But, I’ve gotten that promise for the past couple times.
Last week, I was scared, but the pain was just headaches and stuff I’m used to. I was allowed to leave the house and sleep in my room but, Saturday changed that. Emily was over for the weekend and we were just next door and David’s house, watching a movie. After a while, like halfway through I started feeling short of breath, like you know that feeling when someone is sitting on your chest? That one. And my arms were all tingly and hurt. David was holding my hand and I asked him to stop deathgripping my fingers and he was all confused and told me he was barely putting any pressure on my hand. I shrugged it off and changed the way we were holding hands. But when I tried to stand up I fell right back down. I couldn’t breathe and I had to sit, I was struggling to just get air in and out and I was so dizzy. We went over to my house, David supporting me and I started digging through my backpack for my inhaler. That didn’t help and I ended up laying on the floor. I was worried, I could tell David was scared out of his mind, and well, Emily was clinging to Dillon. We changed up meds after that night. I’m now not allowed to sleep alone, not supposed to go upstairs to my room unless it’s a be right back trip, and I can’t leave the house without someone with me. My dad almost came into the school on Tuesday with me.
But, it is all for the better. If the tests don’t show much on Friday, they’re thinking about hospitalizing me. I don’t know if I could handle that. It’s one thing, these past few weeks being all alone at home, waiting all day for David to get off the bus, and he wasn’t my neighbor I probably wouldn’t see him either. But, being alone all day in a hospital room. I really don’t think I could handle that. All I’ve been thinking lately is I just want to wake up and be okay and come back to school and deal with stupid crap like Mrs. Seeley and stupid people in gym and bad food at lunch.
Oh, I can’t read. Yeah. Soak that in. It’s actually really agonizing to be on here now, but I’m full of extremely high dose pain killers so, I’m trying. It hit me today I could tell people what was going on through my blog, or you know, at least Decap. But yeah. I cannot read. Well, I can, I can try, but I helped David with math the other day, no more than five mintues, and it was just like stuff we took in 7th grade, solving for x and y and I couldn’t do anything but just lay down for around an hour and a half. So, I can’t do my school work, I can’t read to make myself feel better. I’m really not supposed to be on here either. I just wanted a few people to have some idea of how things were going. I’m kind of scared for Prom, cause if something happens, I really don’t know how it would go down. I’m not missing Prom, that’s all I really have to say about that.
Well, my head is starting to really hurt again. I’ll see you guys at Prom Preview practice in a few hours. I miss a lot of you.
=/

So. I saw The Used last night. At Northern Lights.

Best show in my life. Nothing will EVER beat it, well, unless I see them again with My Chemical Romance because I love them more than anything. But no, it was just beyond amazing. It was at Northern Lights, and those shows are usually rough, but man, that whole floor was effing brutal. I was the only one out of your group that stayed up front, I mean c’mon, The Used, well, I know a lot of you don’t care, but people like Emily Leemans and Cody Shattuck would. There were a few other bands with them, LIghts Resolve, Street Drum Corps, Straylight Run and Army Of Me. Lights Resolvewas pretty sick, really bassy and I like that because Markky plays bass and basses are kind of my comfort sound. For example, when I’m nervous or upset, if I’m with Markky or on the phone he just starts to play his 5 string and it makes everything seem okay again. They’re still new, as in only a 3 song EP, but they’re good, I think they’ll make it farther. Especially travelling with The Used. I liked their songs, Another Five Days, and This Could Be The Last Time, I’d advise downloading them. I like bands that I find out through shows, becuase honestly, a band is only as good as it is live, without being in the studio helped by adjusting crap. If a band can go out and move a crowd like last night, well, I’d say it’s a succsessful band. As Bert said to the crowd last night, “It’s all about the music right?” Street Drum Corpswas pretty sweet though, they came out and beat on garbage cans and pipes and used saws, it was intense, haha. Straylight Run was okay, not really my thing. Army Of Me is a band, that people knew, go them, I didn’t care too much.

&& Then, there was The Used. I have never been to a more brutal and amazing concert ever. It was amazing. Even though they didn’t play I Caught Fire and played mostly new crap, it was still amazing. Bert held my hand, the hand I’m pretty sure is fractured. But oh my God, I can’t even describe how amazing it was and you couldn’t understand unless you love The Used. Me, Racine && Justin met them after the show, and I told Jephahow I got the shit beat out of my hand by this girl at the gate and he asked me which one and I put it up and he held it and kissed it. && I hugged them all cause I’m gay like that and love them and their music. Justin thought they were kind of assholeish but I didn’t. Thats cause Justin said stupid shit. I wish Emily Leemans was there though, it was really weird cause we went as the old crew. Don’t ever go out with old crew, it’s bad news. But Aaron was there, so all was perfect for the most part.

It really was rough though. My right hand is fractured I’m pretty sure, I think I messed up something in my lower stomach and I already had something wrong with my left eye, and well, thats just gotten worse. All worth it though. And I just health insurence, so it’s all cool. Haha. So, all the people that left me here with no one to hang out with, and forced me to hang out with old crew, I SAW THE USED AND BERT MCCRACKEN AND JEPHA HOWARD HELD MY HAND. Oh, and Quinn is beautiful.

Summer Slush.

I like you

Like you did

You did this

Did this wrong

This wrong summer

Wrong summer days

Summer days shine

Days shine bright

Shine bright warm

Bright warm smiles

Warm smiles spread

Smiles spread laughter

Spread laughter often

Laughter often helps

Often helps me

Helps me think

Me, think about

Think about you. 

I spent most of today in Mrs. Waterhouse’s room. She has a journal prompt written on the board for anyone who needs to go back to normalcy. “What kind of impact does one person’s life have on others?” And today I think a lot of people found that out. For the people who were in school this morning, I think that was one of the most heart wrenching emotional experiences I’ve ever seen. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, even a few suicides, but this was different. Most of the people I’ve lost were older, adults, not old and not their time, but not my age. I’ve lost a few my age, and there was Anthony last year, and I’ve come so close to losing people to suicide, but, no. Just no. If you were in school this morning it was just raw emotion. Nearly everyone in the entire building was crying between 8 and 8:15. I saw people cry that i thought I never would and I saw people cry that didn’t even know him. I saw teachers cry, I saw my best friend cry for only the second time in my life. I just can’t register it to be honest. I’ve cried about it, but my eyes are raw and dry and I just can’t think it in my head that he’s not coming back to school tomorrow, or the next day, or after vacation. I know that it happened, but it just won’t click. It’s so different, losing a friend, a young one, rather than a family member or an adult in your life. It was a whole loss by everyone in the school, by the teachers and all the students that knew him. Loss. Is a stupid word. But, I don’t know what to say. Words are all I have most of the time and I have no idea what to say. I always think that when people die, the world would just stop. That everything stops going and is just paused, but it’s not, it doesn’t. Things move and go and the world keeps moving, wether you do or not. I really still can’t believe it, can’t make it sink in.

I found out last night, around 7:30. I was with Markky and I called my mom to tell her I wasn;t comng home for another hour or two and she asked me if I knew Tim Muhl. I said yeah and she told me she’d tell me when I got hom and I said no, tell me now, and she just flat out said it. And I just sat there. I was like “No, no… just no.” And then I called Emily and me and her were agreeing that we just couldnt register it and Markky put his arms around me and I just started crying. And then I just sat there. And then I cried, then sat there. Tim’s just someone you come in to school and you see him everyday. He’s someone whose always smiling and says hi. He’s someone you don’t think you’d lose less than a month before prom. This morning was just, sad. Everyone was crying and holding each other. People who usually shrug off emotion, people who don’t even really like each other. I wasn’t crying when I came in. I almost was. But I was just silent. I was releived to not be home anymore. I woke up this morning and my Dad came up to me and he asked me if Tim was my friend and I just nodded. My Dad hugged me and then he made everything worse. He told me he didn’t want me thinking about it, about him, because he took his own life and he was selfish and cowardly and wasn’t worth it. I just stood there. My Dad continued and ranted at me, yelling that people who commit suicide aren’t worth grieving about because they solved a temporary problem with a permanent solution. And my mom just kept prying at me, wanting to know why, if he had a girlfriend, just so she could gossip in the bar with the alcoholics. I didn’t talk to either of them. I just went through the motions of getting ready. I didn’t even talk to David, I just sat and waited to be driven to school. And I came in and I stood and waited for Emily. And when the Stony Creek bus came in it just started working it’s way at me. That Tim wasn’t coming in off the bus and it wasn’t as bad yet. But then Bridget O’Niel came up to me, and she started crying and that was it. And soon it just spread. Girls, boys, teachers, it didn’t matter.

When Aaron came up to me I just collapsed into him and he said two things to me. “I’m sorry” and “This is why I’d never want you to do it, everyone would cry.” I’ve never seen anything like school was this morning between 8 and 8:15 but at least everyone was there together. I’m a firm beleiver in everything happens for a reason but, no. Just no. We didn’t need to lose a ginger to realize everyone cries. And that people are cared about. Theres a reason for everything but… no. Just no.

I don’t know what to say, so. I’m not gonna say anything else.

R.I.P. Tim Muhl. 4/6/08

So.

Still don’t have a dress. And mom is still being really lazy about the driving me to somewhere to look for one. People in the bar were talking about it and a friend of ours said I should just get a bride dress and get it died, if I couldn’t find lime green. So I started looking online and I kinda found a few things but you can’t really dress shop online. So the dress situation is still in major chaos, with less than a month until Prom. Wonderful.

I did however, solve my issue on transportation. Things with Ashleigh hit the fan officially so I decided that I was in no way going to sit with her in a limo, despite my mom up my ass about it, telling me just to make up with her. Also have to love how Ashleigh won’t confront me in school but attacks me verbally online. Words are so futile. But, back to transportation. So, I asked my Dad if me && David could go in the Mustang and he said no cause he still has to get things fixed with the engine, but we can go in the Skylark Convertible. I’m kind of thrilled about that. And now Emily, who already paid her deposit on the limo with Ashleigh,wants to try to get out of it and go with me. Wheeee. Cause “It just wouldn’t be as much fun without you.” Yay. I love Emily Leemans.  So the ride problem is solved, which makes me feel better.

But the dress, and what I’m going to do with my hair, and if we’re going to Dunkin Donuts or not is still an issue. So pssht on Prom. Also, David is still really grounded, and he’s getting really depressed and I’m kind of worried. My mom, who has no comforting skills at all sprung on me “What are you going to do if Kelly won’t let David go to Prom?” That didn’t end too well. I don’t think she’d honestly do that though. Prom is a once in your life thing. She’s not that mean… I’m hoping.

And speaking of other crises? Did anyone else see that “fight” in the hallway today after lunch?? Robert Bills yelling at Devin Lent. Devin is the redhead for you guys who have no idea who the freshmen are.

Alright. I think I’m good for a bit. And yeah Doug, blogs are good for just venting and crap. Yay blogs.

Or is everyone jumping down each other’s throats today?

Everyone seems to be upset about something and basically every time I’ve talked today, someone has tried to rip out my throat. I think that a lot of people are kind of pissed about the snow because it was almost gone, but people are dying again too. I have a theory, abut dying. It comes in seasons, I mean, you don’t just hear about one person dying, death comes in  a flock. Maybe it’ll be just one every once in a while but lately it’s like one person kicking it after another. && Death makes everyone so figity, so emotional and jumpy. I’m not saying that people shouldn’t be upset when their relatives or friends die, but if you’re not ready for the outside world, stay home, take some time to yourself. Coping is something all people do differently and I understand. But it would just be healthier to stay where you feel comfortable until you feel like coming back out. I don’t know, that’s just my opinion. A lot of people have died in my life, so I guess I’m just not as attuned to flipping out about it as some people are, but I also repress stuff a lot. I ignore bad feelings and pretend they don’t exist, not the best idea, but it’s how I do most of the time. I’ve lost countless people who were close to me, you just get tired of the funerals and the wakes and the crying after a while. I’m gonna be honest, I’ve skipped out on almost every funeral or wake since my Uncle because I just don’t like the atmosphere. I feel like crap about it, yeah but it’s what I need to do to not go completely out of my mind. Just like walking out of rooms, I’ve walked out of at least three classes today because I needed to calm down. I’m bi-polar, so I’m not the best at keeping everything level. But, yeah. That’s how I feel right now. Everyone have a good weekend.

Aaron Johnson called me normal yesterday.

I don’t like it.

So. Today at lunch, I was waving Emily’s arm and it kinda looked like a long neck dinosaur so I started laughing hysterically. Has anyone else seen 10,000 BC? With the turkeysaurs??? I liked it a lot.

So yeah, Tommi should stop sitting at my computer. =D I love Emily Leemans.

 Prom. I hate talking about Prom, but I have a question. Is there anyone else who hasn’t gotten their dress yet? Cause I haven’t yet because my mom is close to useless and I don’t know if I should start getting worried about it. And who is going to the after party thingy? Cause I don’t know if me and Emily are yet, I think we are, but I don’t know. && What does everyone think about lime green? && Tyler especially, what should I do with my hair?

K Thanxx.

Okay. Platypi are really cool. I don’t care what you think. They are the only mammals that lay eggs. I think it’d be cool if humans laid eggscause then chicks wouldn’t have to worry about being pregnant and crap. I mean come on, who wants to walk around for nine months and double in size just to go through, so I’ve heard, one of the most painful experiences of female life. Ew. I mean sure it’s all cute like “Oh you’re pregnant, babies, whee! Feel the heartbeat.” I don’t want to feel your stomach okay? I want to pet a platypus.

Platypi, in my opinion, kinda look like a cross between beavers and ducks. They have the coat and flappy tail thing that beavers have and they have webbed feet and duck bills like ducks. And they lay eggs, which is really cool. Seriously though, I would love to be able to walk into Wal*Mart and just see Mommas walking around with a stroller full of eggs. And there would be egg warmers and egg sitters and the whole egg thing you do senior year would actually be meaningful! I also just kind of think eggs are cool. And watching stuff be born out of eggs is cool. Like chicks. Baby chicks are cute. I had a baby chick once at my Mom’s friend’s house. I named it Ferdinand. he died though, cause his feet got frozen in the ice and he couldn’t go inside. He was cute though.

But, back to platypi. They swim, look like duck beavers, lay eggs and are still mammals. So the best animal ever. But platypi have never really gotten enough credit in my opinion, until this Disney show I saw, Phineas and Ferb. they have a pet platypus. His name is Perry. They don’t know it, but he’s a secret agent. Which makes him even better. Okay. I’ve gone on for a while. but yeah, Decap, Platypi are sick.

And about the pugs, don’t say that to Mrs. Jonessss.  

Hey. My name is Melba. Give me new nickname, I’ll probably dig it. I have a lot though already so it’s a challenge. This is my blog for English. Decap is pretty cool. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna write about a couple things. Some of those being Bi-Polar, writing and I so like duck billed platypi more than Decap. Perry The Platypus is my hero. Yeah, you don’t even know.

My best friends are Emily Leemans, Aaron Johnson, Markky Waterhouse and David Penree. I might write about them too. Emily is in this class, find her. She likes stalkers, she meets them at Funspot sometimes. And we get stuck on the sidewalk for 5 hours. It’s pretty chill though, cause she’s my best friend and all.

Alright. First post. I’m done.

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