Crisis Doesn’t Cover It.

I spent most of today in Mrs. Waterhouse’s room. She has a journal prompt written on the board for anyone who needs to go back to normalcy. “What kind of impact does one person’s life have on others?” And today I think a lot of people found that out. For the people who were in school this morning, I think that was one of the most heart wrenching emotional experiences I’ve ever seen. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life, even a few suicides, but this was different. Most of the people I’ve lost were older, adults, not old and not their time, but not my age. I’ve lost a few my age, and there was Anthony last year, and I’ve come so close to losing people to suicide, but, no. Just no. If you were in school this morning it was just raw emotion. Nearly everyone in the entire building was crying between 8 and 8:15. I saw people cry that i thought I never would and I saw people cry that didn’t even know him. I saw teachers cry, I saw my best friend cry for only the second time in my life. I just can’t register it to be honest. I’ve cried about it, but my eyes are raw and dry and I just can’t think it in my head that he’s not coming back to school tomorrow, or the next day, or after vacation. I know that it happened, but it just won’t click. It’s so different, losing a friend, a young one, rather than a family member or an adult in your life. It was a whole loss by everyone in the school, by the teachers and all the students that knew him. Loss. Is a stupid word. But, I don’t know what to say. Words are all I have most of the time and I have no idea what to say. I always think that when people die, the world would just stop. That everything stops going and is just paused, but it’s not, it doesn’t. Things move and go and the world keeps moving, wether you do or not. I really still can’t believe it, can’t make it sink in.

I found out last night, around 7:30. I was with Markky and I called my mom to tell her I wasn;t comng home for another hour or two and she asked me if I knew Tim Muhl. I said yeah and she told me she’d tell me when I got hom and I said no, tell me now, and she just flat out said it. And I just sat there. I was like “No, no… just no.” And then I called Emily and me and her were agreeing that we just couldnt register it and Markky put his arms around me and I just started crying. And then I just sat there. And then I cried, then sat there. Tim’s just someone you come in to school and you see him everyday. He’s someone whose always smiling and says hi. He’s someone you don’t think you’d lose less than a month before prom. This morning was just, sad. Everyone was crying and holding each other. People who usually shrug off emotion, people who don’t even really like each other. I wasn’t crying when I came in. I almost was. But I was just silent. I was releived to not be home anymore. I woke up this morning and my Dad came up to me and he asked me if Tim was my friend and I just nodded. My Dad hugged me and then he made everything worse. He told me he didn’t want me thinking about it, about him, because he took his own life and he was selfish and cowardly and wasn’t worth it. I just stood there. My Dad continued and ranted at me, yelling that people who commit suicide aren’t worth grieving about because they solved a temporary problem with a permanent solution. And my mom just kept prying at me, wanting to know why, if he had a girlfriend, just so she could gossip in the bar with the alcoholics. I didn’t talk to either of them. I just went through the motions of getting ready. I didn’t even talk to David, I just sat and waited to be driven to school. And I came in and I stood and waited for Emily. And when the Stony Creek bus came in it just started working it’s way at me. That Tim wasn’t coming in off the bus and it wasn’t as bad yet. But then Bridget O’Niel came up to me, and she started crying and that was it. And soon it just spread. Girls, boys, teachers, it didn’t matter.

When Aaron came up to me I just collapsed into him and he said two things to me. “I’m sorry” and “This is why I’d never want you to do it, everyone would cry.” I’ve never seen anything like school was this morning between 8 and 8:15 but at least everyone was there together. I’m a firm beleiver in everything happens for a reason but, no. Just no. We didn’t need to lose a ginger to realize everyone cries. And that people are cared about. Theres a reason for everything but… no. Just no.

I don’t know what to say, so. I’m not gonna say anything else.

R.I.P. Tim Muhl. 4/6/08

 

~ by mx3288 on April 7, 2008.